I honestly don’t what to say. Why would you allow that? I don’t understand why or how that could turn beautiful. I’m your daughter, I thought you were suppose to protect me? I thought fathers were supposed to be protective? Since both earthly fathers weren’t protective, don’t you think you should be? I don’t hear you so how do I even know you care? How do I know you really love me?
I just don’t understand why I had to go through that, why anybody has to go through that. How can I believe you are good? Everybody leaves and abandons me and I didn’t think you would ever do that but you have and honestly it breaks my heart. Why should I believe people I meet at CFA, school or anywhere else aren’t going to leave me? Because You left, and so did everyone else. I hear that you never give people things that they can’t handle. That you do things for a reason. That you love us even when you let bad things happen to us. But I honestly don’t know if I believe that. I don’t know if I believe you are good, that you love us though we sin and go against you.
How do I know you weren’t trying to get me back? How do I know that because I cut myself, though I made multiple suicide attempts, though I stopped eating, though I was doing all these things, you let this happen because I did those things? How do I know that since it was my fault for not stopping it, it was my fault for freezing and letting him continue, that you are now punishing me for that?
Do You care about rape victims? Where were you when he had his finger inside me? Where were you when He was grabbing me like I was an object? Where were you when I froze and couldn’t do anything? I don’t understand how you could allow so many miserable things happen to me in just 10 minutes. Where were you in all of it?
When it happened I wanted answers. I was just getting into my faith and then this happened and all I can ask is where were you? When I was trying to be faithful to you, why weren’t you with me? Why weren’t you helping me? Protecting me? I was taught by my grandmother at a very young age, though I didn’t listen I still remember her saying, God is all-powerful and all-knowing. Well…if you knew, where the hell were you? Why weren’t you protecting me? The fact that I don’t have a God like everyone else makes me feel alone. Makes me want to die. Because what’s the point?
As I sit here in CFA and watch the kids play in the play area, I see kids looking around, make eye contact with me and we give each other a playful smile. I hope you don’t let anyone take away their innocence like you let someone take away mine. I hope they stay as pure and little as they possibly can. I hope you aren’t as cruel with them as you were with me. I want to go over to the parents and tell them their innocence can be taken away in an instance. To keep them little and with you for as long as you can. And to always be open with your children and protect them. Protect them like I wasn’t protected.
As I sit here and look out the window at CFA, I see a puddle and it reminds me of reflections. My own reflection. I see tainted, broken, not able to be mended. Do you see the same things? Do you see heartbroken? Do you see unworthy? Unlovable? A fuck-up?
I know I sound like a broken record, repeating myself over and over again. Saying you weren’t protecting me, weren’t there, and don’t love me. But every time I think of something as to why you weren’t there, why you weren’t protecting me and loving me, all I can ask are those questions. Why? Why me?
But….why not me?
The tremendously big heart in me says that it should be me. I deserve it. Maybe I let another girl go free without being hurt. Without being traumatized or hurt beyond belief. But I would rather hurt than some other little girl who is truly innocent. Who didn’t deserve it. Who didn’t have it coming. Who didn’t need to be punished. Who honestly didn’t deserve it. Who didn’t deserve to be violated and humiliated. Who didn’t deserve to have their dignity taken away from her. Someone who could stay innocent and pure even if it was just a day longer.
But still…why me?
I am unworthy of everything. He made me unworthy. I hate myself. I hate myself for not stopping him. I hate my body for liking it. I hate my whole being. Why was I born? Why am I still breathing? Why am I here? Why am I alive? Why?
I can’t help but think I’m a nobody, to everyone. I’m pissed at the fact that You didn’t do anything. That I didn’t do anything. That nobody did anything. I’m pissed that after what happened to me I still hear that You are good and all powerful and that you let things happened for a reason. And that I can handle it because God freaking never gives us what we can’t handle. It’s bullshit.
There is a deep sense of guilt and shame I am feeling right now, the hypocrisy of myself — admitting to myself, to others, that for the 20 years I have been raised in faith, and made it my own, I have never once felt You could ever love me especially within the last 7 years. Others, yes. Me? No. I feel too worthless, too broken, too sinful, too unlovable. I do not feel You want me, yet I personally share my faith with others because I am so convinced that You can indeed love them, to forgive them for their sins, to help them to endure their trials, to bless them with a hope for a joyous life beyond what the world of today can offer them. Deep in my heart, there is nothing that shakes my faith in the love of You for other people.
I do not feel I am valuable, though, and when I think of the future I struggle to place myself in it; it is easy to imagine a world where I am not there. While many people fear being replaced or forgotten, one of my wishes is I could be, because then there would be no obligation for me to exist anymore. No one would be sad because instead of having died, I would simply not have ever existed. A world without me would not be better or worse off — it would just be. How could God, You, love someone like that?
There are very few people who I truly feel have loved me unconditionally, and I sadly admit there is even a fear I try to hide deep down. I fear a friend — a young lady who has stood faithfully and tirelessly by my side for more than 3 years, through all the hard times — will one day realize I am not worth it. I fear even she will wake up one day, see me how I see myself and leave. She has never for one second given me the impression she will stop loving me; in fact, she tells me multiple times each and every day that she loves and cherishes me, but I cannot believe I deserve her enduring love. In fact, there are even times when I feel guilt I have her to love me because there are other women out there who deserve to have a friend like her.
I’m flawed. I have made terrible mistakes that led to horrible consequences, including this one. I’ve hidden sickening secrets for the greater part of my life. I feel lost and broken, and I don’t know how it is possible for anyone in this world or even (especially) in Heaven could look through my thoughts and feelings and still love me. It seems impossible to ask, impossible to believe in, selfish to expect or to hope for.
I am a good person. I can say that with assurance because I know it is true. I have a gift of empathy and compassion; the emotions of others are deeply interesting to me. Helping and healing them is something that is of the deepest importance. There is one thing I know for sure; I am determined to make the lives of others as good as I can.
So can You love me? Am I worthy of being loved by You, or even by others? That is what I need to try and figure out. But until I learn to love myself, just a little, I feel there is probably no hope I will ever believe truly that anyone can truly love me. But how do I go about that when, I don’t hate You, You just makes me angry and frustrated. Anger that I can’t understand why You weren’t there. Frustrated at the fact that my mental illnesses make me feel the need to understand and analyze everything about myself and my life, and I can’t understand any of this.