This blog was created to get the feelings I can’t physically speak, out. And I don’t think I would be using this blog to it’s full advantage if when I feel a certain way, just to write it out.
At this moment, Wednesday May 3rd at 1:22pm, I am feeling suicidal. I have a feeling as to why, but you just never know with depression.
There’s a lot of changes happening. I don’t handle change or stress well at all. I’ve just never been able to cope with it.
But there are a lot of changes happening all at once. A good friend, I even call her an older sister, is leaving the work place where we met. I know I will see her every week, but the anxiety in me is saying she’s leaving, she’ll never talk to me, she’ll never wanna hang out, etc. Obviously I have abandonment issues.
I know that’s not the case, and she’s even told me that every Monday we will have a “date.” Hang out before our women’s group and chat. But the fact that today is her last day at work, I just can’t shake the face that she’s leaving forever. That she’ll move on, forget about me and the women’s group and head off to Iowa or something. Never look back.
I have another friend from work, whom I’ve been friends with for about 6 years now, who is also leaving. I applied at CFA because she was there, and I started going to the same college as her because she was there. Now she is leaving both, and I feel alone. Abandoned.
I know she only lives 15 minutes away from me and she’s always there when her phone dings, but she’s leaving and my anxiety says she’s abandoning me.
I know both of these people read this blog. So don’t think it’s you that is making me feel this way. Honestly it’s the anxiety and depression taking over.
I’m going through some personal changes that are somewhat my fault. The action was my fault but the consequences are not.
It’s all overwhelming and I honestly don’t know how I feel about any of it. I just feel abandoned and alone and everyone will forget me.
So what’s the point of being here if everyone is leaving? When the friends I’ve made in a matter of 5is months is leaving and I will be back alone again. Isolated. What’s the point?