So I’ve been wanting to post about this because I still can’t exactly pinpoint a feeling/feelings.
I’ve been wanting to post about it now for almost 3 weeks but it either wasn’t the right time or someone who reads this would find out like this.
It took a lot for me to type that. It’s taken me about a week just to type this blog but it took a few days for me to type that sentence.
It doesn’t feel real. I deny it at times though I have a picture of the ultrasound and I have the test. “Oh this is just a dream” or something like that. When I took a test I told 2 people and they both said “Oh you aren’t pregnant” And I convinced myself that I wasn’t and totally denied it. I went to a clinic almost 2 weeks later and they confirmed I, in fact, was.
I was completely hating myself and immediately went to a friend and told her straight up I didn’t know what to feel. I was completely numb.
I’m going to be completely honest, I went home after the clinic visit, and cut. I downright hated myself. I feel ashamed that I let sin and my human temptation take control of me and now I’m gonna have to live with that shame for at least 9 months until I give birth. If I decide to keep it, it’ll be for the next 18 years.
I also wanted to punish myself. I knew better. I knew that what I’d been through in high school would effect my sex life. Somedays I can’t be touched and other days, because I’m gonna be honest the stuff in high school felt good I just didn’t want it, I crave it.
I had known the guy since high school, never really were a thing. But a friend of mine got us together and we clicked. We hung out and after about the 4th time hanging out at his apartment for hours, he told me he loved me and I completely melted. Those three words changed my world and I felt loved.
In my childhood I never felt loved. For every emotion I expressed I got yelled at for expressing them. I was neglected by my birth dad, and my parents I live with. I never knew love. He made me feel loved. But he just wanted sex from me, and today sitting and thinking about it, the fact that he essentially used and didn’t love me and it has messed me up.
Those three words rocked my world.
I ask for support, love and prayers because I still don’t know exactly what I want to do. It’s overwhelming and stressful. I just don’t know what to do.