To The Father That Left Me Behind

Dear Father,

Yes, I am still here. I am doing great things in the world and yes, I wish you were there to be proud of me but hey, Im doing fine. I never understood why you were the way you were and maybe someday youll explain that to me. But just so you know, I havent spent all the time weve had apart sulking and drowning in my misery. I learned quite quickly what a man was not supposed to be like and it made me more cautious in opening my heart to others. Maybe now youve changed, but I guess Ill never know.

I can no longer bring myself to call you “Dad” though, and I’m sorry.

I always just wanted to be enough for you, something you could boast about and be proud of. Coming to my performances always seemed like a job for you though, like an obstacle on the path to your real plans… and your new family. I was ashamed to talk about my home life as a child because growing up with divorced parents is hard. I ended up secluding myself from others half the time simply because I didnt want to explain my situation to them. I know this problem isn’t necessarily your fault, but I wish you had noticed that it was happening. I also wish you had treated mom better. She deserved so much more and I did too.

 

Thank you for showing me at a young age that I should never get my hopes too high because someone might be right there to crush them.

Dont worry though, Mom got me through it.

To be blunt, you missed a lot of my childhood and for you to still act as though you cared, made it even worse.  I can’t explain it, but I never once stopped looking for you in the stands during my high school years. I dont know why I thought that one day, you’d be there for me. That disappointment grew and occurred more times than Ill ever be able to count. It gave me every false hope I could ever think of in my life.

I wish you could have been there for my first steps, my first words, when I first learned how to ride a bike, when I needed a dad to kiss my booboos, on my first day of school, when I got my first boyfriend. I wish you could have sat here and watched as I smile after my braces came off. I wish you would be interested in me, so you could possibly watch me walk down the isle, come see your first grandchild, watch as a make an amazing mother. Watch how I would NEVER leave my child like you left me.

Unfortunately for you, because you missed basically everything, you no longer have my attention and my best wishes. I don’t even want you to claim me as your own honestly. Maybe someday that will change, but as of right now, Im just another successful young woman to you.

But I hope that you can find it within yourself to (secretly) be proud of me because absolutely everything I am doing is to show you that I can do great things and accomplish my dreams without you. Now, after all these years, I hope you realize that you missed watching me grow into the strong and courageous woman I am today.

And lastly, out of all the things you can claim you taught me or contributed to my existence, you instilled in me that I should never rely on a man because I absolutely do not need one to take care of me.

I dont want to hate you; that is not something I would prefer to spend my time doing. I simply do not want to look back on my life and regret your mistake as one of my own. So I forgive you… in an effort to improve myself. I no longer want to carry this baggage or continue to let it define me in even the slightest way.

I know that I’ll continue to see you from afar, but know that I have not forgotten; I have only forgiven… for all the disappointment, for the anxiety, for making me feel worthless and broken, and for the countless amount of tears and regrets. I forgive you for not being there when I needed a dad and I forgive you for not trying harder to change that.

You leaving me behind is probably the biggest heartbreak I’ll ever endure no matter how ready I was for it to happen.

Sincerely,

Your First Child

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